Bright Ideas: A Record of Invention and Misinvention Page 4

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  Mrs. Trenchard that evening, after a brief absence from the living-room,reappeared in her best flowered bonnet and a muslin shawl and announcedher intention of going "just there and back." Her husband, who wasreading the newspaper, looked up and nodded. Templeton was sketchingout a specification, and did not hear what she said. Eves gave her acheerful _au revoir_ from the depths of the chair where he lay at ease,and smiled at her retreating form.

  "'Tis like that, sir," said the farmer, catching his look. "'There andback' in our family do mean a gossip with Martha Runt."

  "The wife of Runt the smith?"

  "Ay, that be the woman. I've not a word to say against Martha--not aword; but she be a rare workman with her tongue. We shan't see no moreof Mother till supper-time."

  He relapsed into his paper, and Eves stretched his legs and watchedTempleton steadily pursuing his task.

  Mrs. Trenchard returned a good hour before she was expected. Her rosycheeks were flushed a deeper shade than usual; her bonnet was awry.

  "I never did!" she exclaimed, pulling the strings into a knot. "No,never in all my born days, without a word of a lie in it--never hev Iseed or heard no such goings on."

  "What hev ruffled yer spirits, Mother?" asked the farmer, mildly.

  "You may talk till yer throat be dry as a kex, Trenchard," cried theangry woman, "but you'll never make me believe as black's white--never!"

  "What silly ass has been trying to, Mrs. Trenchard?" said Eves, sittingup. He had passed a dull evening.

  "There's my boy Joe," she went on. "What did he do, though only aTerritorial and not supposed to move a leg out of his parish? 'Mum,'says he--you heard un wi' yer own ears, Trenchard--''tis said here andthere they want men in France. Seems to me I must go.' 'That heathenland!' says I. 'Ay, that's the place,' says he; 'we're all going.' Andgo he did, and what wi' the rats and the mud----"

  "Now, now, don't 'ee carry on, Mother," said the farmer, seeing that hiswife's eyes were filling. "Who've been vexing yer soul? And I don'tcare who the man is----"

  "Man! He baint no man. He's a conscientious objection. You'd neverbelieve it, Trenchard. When I traipsed down along to village, there wasa crowd of a dozen or more by church gate, and, thinks I, 'They betalking o' young gentleman's invention'; but, coming up to them, no suchthing; 'twas that lad of Noakes's holding forth, preaching peace as boldas brass."

  "You don't say so, Mrs. Trenchard," cried Eves. "That little chap withthe long hair?"

  "No, no, Mr. Eves; little Josiah baint so gifted. 'Twas Noakes's elderlad, Nahum by name, as went away to work in Weymouth a year or two back,and now home he comes boasting of how he 'scaped the Army, and tellingfolks the war is wrong, and we be as much to blame as they Germans, andno one didn't oughter fight for their country, and a pack of rubbish.All fighting be against his conscience, says he--a pretty conscience,indeed, as growed sudden when the Lords and Parlyment said every man wasa born soldier. Conscience! Why, Trenchard, you mind how he used toleather his feyther's horse; and many's the time I've seed un cuff andpinch his little brother till the poor soul hollered wi' pain. Thelikes of him! What them there tribunals be about in letting him offwhen good boys like my Joe, as wouldn't hurt a fly and haven't got noconscience--there, 'tis a scandal, and makes my blood boil, it do."

  "Well, well, Mother," said Mr. Trenchard, "I'll go as fur's to say Iagree with 'ee; but I wouldn't say a word against Mr. Noakes. He's a manof renown in the parish."

  "The dickens he is!" ejaculated Eves, who had followed Mrs. Trenchard'sstory with the liveliest interest. Templeton, also, having finished hisdraft, had listened with his usual air of thoughtfulness.

  "Judging by the price he charged for those firelighters," he said, "Mr.Noakes is a profiteer."

  "Prophet neither here nor there, for all his Bible name, and his sons'likewise," said Mrs. Trenchard. "That there Nahum, coming here andstuffing his unnat'ral thoughts into the heads of our young fellerswhose time be nigh come! There was Billy Runt, and young Pantany, andTim Coggins, and such--oh! it did rile me, and I hadn't the heart to gothere, so I comed home along. And bless 'ee, he be going to wag histongue again to-morrow, and axed the boys to bring all their friends tohear un."

  "Splendid!" cried Eves. "I say, Bob, we'll go. You can nobble theaudience for Aunt Caroline."

  This suggestion was not immediately accepted by Templeton, but in theprivacy of their bedroom it bore fruit.

  "This is rather serious, you know, Tom," he said.

  "Broken a collar-stud, old man?" Eves rejoined.

  "No; I mean this speechifying. It's not right for the fellow to turnthe village boys against military service."

  "Gas like that won't do much harm."

  "But it may. It ought to be stopped. It's our duty to stop it."

  "Jolly good idea! Start an opposition meeting and talk him down.Ripping rag!"

  "I'm afraid I'm not up to that. You see----"

  "Leave it to me, then. I bet I can rattle my tongue faster than NahumNoakes. By George! Bobby, what an awful name!"

  "You don't understand, Tom. It isn't talk that's wanted. The questionis, is he sincere? If he is--well, what about free speech?"

  "A free kick is more to the purpose. But what are you driving at?"

  "Well, oughtn't we to find out if he really has a conscientiousobjection?--test him, you know? Mrs. Trenchard seemed to doubt it, andif he's a humbug he ought to be exposed."

  "Just so, Socrates. I'll kick him, and see how he takes it. You can'ttake him to pieces like a clock, and examine his innards."

  "That's the difficulty. Your idea won't do at all. You can't justifyan unprovoked assault."

  "I jolly well can. But I'm dead beat; pedalling that heavy old machinenearly biffed me. Sleep on it, Bob; perhaps you'll dream one of yourbright ideas."

  But in the morning Templeton confessed that he had slept as sound as atop, and hadn't given the matter another thought. Meditation during theday was not more fruitful, and in the evening, when they went down tothe meeting-place opposite the church porch, Templeton had come to theconclusion that they had better hear what Noakes had to say, and act ascircumstances seemed to require.

  On the way they met Haylock, the constable, nodded to him, and passedon. After a few seconds, however, Eves ran back, saying:

  "I'll catch you in half a tick, Bob."

  Templeton strolled on, too busy with his thoughts even to wonder whathis friend had to say to the policeman, or to notice the broad smile onEves's face when he overtook him.

  They found that the meeting had already started. A group of the malevillagers, old and young, was gathered in a half-circle in front of asturdy-looking fellow of some twenty years, who was perched on thechurchyard wall. Nahum Noakes's appearance was that of an unusuallyrobust clerk. His black hair was cut short; his straw hat was tiltedback, showing a neat middle parting and well-oiled side-shows. He worea pointed collar and a lilac tie; his grey flannel trousers were hitchedup, revealing lilac socks neatly stretched above brown shoes.

  "You want to know what I said to the tribunal?" he was saying as the twonew-comers sauntered up. His accent was that of a countryman overlaidwith a thin veneer of town polish. "I'll tell 'ee. 'Your name?' saysthe chairman. 'Noakes,' says I. 'Christian name?' says he. 'Nahum,'says I. 'Yes, your name,' says he. 'Nahum,' says I. 'Don't waste ourtime,' says he; 'what is your _other_ name besides Noakes?' 'Nahum,'says I. You see, neighbours, I was taking a rise out of him. 'Is theman an idiot?' says he. 'No, he's not, and he knows his Bible,' says I.That was a good one, wasn't it? Well, there was a young officer there,only a lieutenant, but as stuck up as if he was commander-in-chief.Military representative, he's called, I believe. He had a paper in hishand, and he cocked his eye at it, and said: 'The man's Christian nameis Nahum, I find.' 'Oh! ah!' says the chairman, fixing his eyeglass.'One of the minor prophets. Well, Nahum Noakes, what are the grounds ofyour appeal?' 'I
don't hold with fighting,' says I; ''tis against myprinciples.' One of the tribunal, a little worm of a feller, pipes up:'What would you do, my man, if the Germans landed?' 'I'd meet 'em asmen and brothers,' says I."

  "Was they yer principles when you cracked young Beddoe's skull forsaying as you sanded yer feyther's sugar?" cried a voice from theoutskirts of the crowd.

  There was a titter; Mr. Noakes, who had been listening to his son'seloquence with a fond smile of paternal pride, scowled at theinterrupter, Runt the smith.

  "Abuse is no argument, Mr. Runt," said Nahum, obviously nettled. "Whathappened years ago when I lived in the village is not to the point.Since I've been a resident in the town I've done a deal of deepthinking, I can tell you, and studied a lot of subjects you've neverheard of----"

  "Ever study phrenology?" asked Templeton, moving forward with Eves intothe circle.

  "Got it?" whispered Eves, eagerly.

  "Perhaps," returned Templeton.

  Nahum stared at his questioner. The villagers drew together, Runtwinked at Coggins the butcher. Mr. Noakes looked annoyed, and stiffenedhis long, straight upper lip.

  "You said?" began Nahum.

  "I asked you if you had ever studied phrenology, the science of readingthe mind through the skull."

  "Well, I won't exactly say that I've been very deep into it, but----"

  "Allow me," interrupted Eves, who had taken his cue. "Having only justreturned to the village, you don't know my friend, Mr. Templeton, whohas gone very deeply into loads of things, I assure you. Mr.--I thinkyou said Nahum Noakes--you are really a splendid specimen for thephrenologist, and a little examination of your bumps----"

  Nahum started back as Eves approached.

  "It is quite painless, I assure you," said Eves, soothingly. "Mr.Templeton will only pass his hand gently over your head, and from theconfiguration of the cranium he will read your character like an openbook."

  "I don't think I need even touch your head," said Templeton. "If youwill kindly just raise your hat--

  "Give it a trial, Nahum," said Runt. At first puzzled, like the rest ofthe villagers, he had now risen to the situation, and was ready to lendhis aid in its development.

  "See if the young gen'l'man be right," added Coggins. "We all know 'ee,from a baby up'ard."

  Half suspicious, angry at the interruption of his discourse, and stillmore at the sniggers of some of the younger members of the group, Nahumseemed to think that to acquiesce was the shortest cut out of hisquandary. He took off his hat. Templeton stood in front of him,inspecting his head with the gravity of a judge at a cattle show. Nahumlooked simply foolish.

  Templeton moved slowly round, and leant on the wall to get a back viewof Nahum's head.

  "Yes, it seems genuine," he said at last. "I don't find the bump ofpugnacity."

  "Which means that he doesn't mind what you do to him?" said Eves.

  "Just so. He's not a fighter."

  Nahum's face cleared; his father shed a gratified smile around thegroup.

  "Supposing some one pulled his nose?" Eves went on.

  "He couldn't possibly resent it," replied Templeton. "It would be quitesafe."

  A loud guffaw from Runt brought a flush to Nahum's cheeks, and a scowlto his brow.

  "I'd like to see any one try it," he muttered.

  Instantly Eves shot out his hand, seized the somewhat prominent memberin question, and pulled. Nahum sprang from the wall and hit out. Evesnimbly evaded the blow, and for half a minute dodged up and down likethe matador at a bull-fight, pursued by the infuriate youth, who becameonly the more enraged as his clenched fists beat upon empty air. Shoutsof laughter broke from the crowd. "Mind yer principles," cried thesmith. "Gie un a larruping!" bellowed Mr. Noakes. Templeton lookedworried.

  At this moment the constable elbowed his way into the arena.

  "Good now, gen'l'men," he said; "this be what the law do call a breachof the peace, and I'm not so sure but 'tis time to take 'ee both intocustody for obstructing the police in the execution of his duty." Hetook Nahum's arm. "Come, come, sonny. I be surprised, and you such aman of peace as never was."

  "Ay, and he axed the gen'l'man to pull his nose, he did so," said thesmith.

  "True, he said he'd like to see any one try it," said Coggins. "Thegen'l'man only took him at his word--hee, hee!"

  Aware now of the pitfall into which he had fallen, Nahum broke away fromthe constable, plunged through the crowd, and hurried away, followedclosely by his father.

  "A rare good randy, sir," said the smith to Eves, "but I hope Philemonwon't make 'ee pay for it. Howsomever, Nahum's tongue won't wag nomore, maybe, and that'll be for the good o' the nation."

  "Another ripping day, Bob," said Eves, as he walked home with Templeton."That idea of yours was splendid."

  "I was quite serious," said Templeton.

  "You always are, old man. But you don't mean to say you really meant tofeel the fellow's bumps?"

  "I did, till I funked the bear's grease."

  "And there really is a bump of pugnacity?"

  "Of course there is--combativeness, they call it. It's at the back, lowdown. The fellow hadn't got a trace of it. I really think----"

  "You'll be the death of me, Bob. A fellow who lashed out like that notcombative? Why, you can see it in his face--bully's written there asplain as a pikestaff. It's jolly lucky you've got me to work out yourideas! Anyway, it was a good rag, well worth half-a-crown."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, I tipped old Haylock half-a-crown to barge in if he heard a row.That leaves me four and elevenpence halfpenny."

  A few days later Lieutenant Cradock, military representative at thecounty tribunal, rode over on his motor-bicycle and had a shortinterview with Constable Haylock. With the constable perched on thecarrier he went on to Trenchard's farm, and found Eves and Templetondigging energetically along the border of a field. A conversationensued, freely punctuated with laughter, and the officer rode away.

  Next day a summons reached Nahum Noakes to attend an adjourned meetingof the tribunal. The chairman announced that an incident reported bythe military representative hardly squared with the appellant'sprofessions, and Nahum Noakes, passed A1, was handed over to themilitary authorities.