Bright Ideas: A Record of Invention and Misinvention Page 3

  *III*

  In Mrs. Trenchard's absence there was to be no midday dinner. Afterclearing up the mess with the assistance of one of the dairy-maids (whocalled it "a rare messopotamia as anybody ever did see"), the two ladswent to join the farmer at lunch in the fields.

  "That there invention, now," said Mr. Trenchard. "Hev it worked?"

  "Splendid!" said Eves, emphatically. "We've got two good sacks of sootand scared a slug."

  "It don't take a mighty deal to do that, sir," said the farmer with asmile. "I'll find that soot useful, and I'm much obleeged to 'ee, to besure."

  "Oh, but, Mr. Trenchard, could you spare me some?" said Templeton.

  "For another invention," Eves added. "He's got a jolly good idea forprotecting our ships from the U-boats, and soot's in it."

  "As much as you do want, surely. I'd gie more'n a little to scrimp themthere engines of iniquity."

  "And perhaps you could help me with something else," said Templeton. "Iwant a sort of metal box; any old thing would do, something that's nogood for anything else."

  "I can find 'ee summat, I b'lieve. There be an old tank in the shedbehind the dairy, where I keep th' old tricycle."

  "A tricycle!" exclaimed Eves. "What about that for number four, Bob?"

  "The very thing! Will you lend it or sell it, Mr. Trenchard?"

  "I'll take no money from a young gent as is inventing for his country,danged if I will. 'Tis a old ancient thing that I bought five-and-twentyyear ago for me and the missus."

  "A sociable!" cried Eves. "We are in luck's way."

  "'Tis called such, I b'lieve," said the farmer. "Ay, 'tis many a yearsince the missus and me went gallivanting about the country. She were anesh young maid then, so to speak it; you wouldn't think it to see thesize she've growed to. I've kep' th' old thing for the sake o' them gayyoung days."

  "If you can spare us this afternoon, I'd like to experiment with it,"said Templeton.

  "Surely, and welcome, and I hope 'twill serve 'ee."

  Hurrying back to the farmhouse they drew the tricycle from the shed andtried its paces over the yard. It was rusty and stiff, but a little oileased the parts, and Templeton was delighted with his number four. Thetank of which Mr. Trenchard had spoken was made of galvanised iron, andhad several holes pierced in each side.

  "The very thing!" cried Templeton. "We'll make some more holes atdifferent heights, Tom."

  "What for?"

  "My idea is to rig up some trays inside the tank, one above another;there are several old sheets of iron lying about. They'll hold the sootand combustibles."

  "By George! we forgot to ask Mother Trenchard to bring somefirelighters."

  "Never mind about them for the moment. We'll bore holes just above thetrays, and put in some straw soaked in paraffin, and light it. Thenwhen we start there'll be a fine draught through the holes."

  "Splendid! But shan't we be fairly choked?"

  "Of course we'll rig up the tank behind us; the smoke will all blowback."

  Eves eyed the tricycle dubiously.

  "It'll be the dickens of a job to fix this heavy tank," he said.

  "Oh, we'll manage it. There's plenty of wire about, and we can hunt upsomething that will do for stays."

  They worked energetically all the afternoon. Templeton's patience andingenuity triumphed over all difficulties. The tank slipped off severaltimes, but at last it was firmly fixed with an elaborate arrangement ofstays and wire, and when Mrs. Trenchard returned, between five and sixo'clock, she beheld her guests careering round the farmyard, making atrial trip.

  "Well, I never did see!" she exclaimed, pulling up the horse at thegate. "Whatever hev happened to the old tricycle?"

  Eves waved his hand gleefully.

  "Splendid!" he cried, as Templeton halted the machine beside the cart."A new invention, Mrs. Trenchard."

  "'Tis like the butcher's contraption I saw in the town, only the box isbehind instead of afore. What be the hidden meaning of that, I'd liketo know?"

  "It won't be hidden long, Mrs. Trenchard. But the sun will be hidden;there'll be an eclipse to-night."

  "Go along with your rubbish, Mr. Eves. The sun will go down at hisproper time, whatever the clocks do say; they Parlyment men up along atLunnon can't make no eclipses, don't think it."

  "Templeton means to; don't you, Bob?"

  "He _does_ talk rubbish, Mrs. Trenchard," said Templeton, earnestly."All that he means is that we're going to try making a thick smoke, tosee if we can hide our ships from the German submarines."

  "Well, never did I hear the like o' that! You'll need a powerful deal o'smoke, Mr. Templeton."

  "Of course, this is only experimental, on a very small scale. If itsucceeds----"

  "He'll be rolling in wealth, and you shall have a new bonnet, Mrs.Trenchard," said Eves.

  "Ah, me! That do remind me of my boy Joe, to be sure; allers a-going tobe rich and gie me a new bonnet. And now, poor boy, he's in them therehorrible trenches, and the rats----"

  "Cheer up, Mrs. Trenchard," said Eves, hastily, spying a tear. "I'msorry for the rats, from what you've told us of Joe. I'm sure you wantyour tea after your long day. We want ours, I can tell you; and aftertea, Templeton will give you a demonstration of this splendid invention.I say, Bob," he added, when Mrs. Trenchard had gone into the house,"while they're making tea there'll be just time for you to cut down tothe village and buy some firelighters at old Noakes's. I don't supposehe'd serve me. Hurry up."

  Mr. Trenchard returning from the fields a few minutes later, Evesunburdened himself.

  "I say, Mr. Trenchard," he said, "when I told you we scared a slug, Ididn't mean one of those small slimy things, you know. I meant Mr.Noakes. I caught him poking his nose into your papers this morning. Ithink you ought to know."

  "Do 'ee tell me that, now?" said the farmer, looking distressed.

  "Honest Injun. He was over at your desk when we were sweeping thechimney, and the fact is, he got a mouthful of soot and went awayfuming."

  "I'd never have believed it, and him a chapel member," said Mr.Trenchard. "Don't 'ee go for to anger Mr. Noakes, sir, med I beseech'ee."

  "All right. I dare say he'll keep out of our way. Of course, if he's afriend of yours----"

  "I wouldn't say that, sir, but as the Book do say, 'as much as lieth inyou, be at peace wi' all men.'"

  "Jolly good idea! If the other chap won't be at peace with you, thenyou must go for him. Splendid!"

  After tea they made their first trial at smoke production. Placing alayer of soot on each of the trays, with a couple of fire-lighters inthe midst, they lit some straw soaked in paraffin, poked it through theholes, and began to treadle the machine round the yard, the farmer andhis wife looking on at the door. A considerable volume of smoke pouredout of the tank, but when they pulled up, Mr. Trenchard said:

  "'Tis a noble beginning, to be sure; but I own, so to speak, I couldallers see that there tank through the smother, and if I understand yourtrue meaning, that hadn't oughter be."

  "Quite right," said Templeton. "We want more of a draught, Tom. Largerholes and greater speed."

  "Righto!" said Eves. "Will you chisel the holes larger? Then we mightstart on a real cruise--down the hill to the village, say. You can'twork up much speed in the yard. What do you think of it, Mrs.Trenchard?"

  "I know why my chimney wanted sweeping so bad, Mr. Eves. Ay sure, ye'rejust as full of mischief as my Joe."

  Half an hour's work with a chisel and hammer sufficed to enlarge theholes. They then filled up the trays with more soot and firelighters,kindled a fire, and when the smoke began to surge, ran the machine outat the gate on to the high-road. A winding hill, nearly half a milelong, led down to the village. The slope was not very steep; thetricycle with its tank was heavy, and the bearings rusty; but by dint ofhard pedalling they soon worked up a good speed, and the increaseddraught caused the smoke to pour forth in a dense cloud, ever increasingin volum
e and pungency.

  Meanwhile in the village young Noakes had noticed the first issues ofsmoke, and ran into his father's shop shouting:

  "Feyther, feyther, Farmer Trenchard's ricks be afire!"

  Noakes, in a state of great agitation, rushed to the door in his apron,glanced up the hill, and cried, excitedly:

  "Fire, fire! Run and rouse up the neighbours, Josiah. 'Tis a matter o'hundreds o' pounds. Fire!"

  The boy set off through the village at a frantic run, shrieking "Fire!"at the top of his voice. Out rushed the baker in his singlet straightfrom the oven; the butcher in blue with his chopper; the smith from hisforge, rolling up his leather apron; the agricultural labourers, smokingtheir after-tea pipes; the village constable in his shirt-sleeves. Thelittle street filled with women and children, the latter flocking to theshed where the village fire manual was kept, and towards which thetradesmen, members of the volunteer fire brigade, were hastening.Waiting only to don their helmets, the men dragged the clumsy machineforth, Noakes being the most energetic, and began to drag it up thehill, the children following in a swarm.

  "It do seem out a'ready, sonnies," said the smith, before they had gonemany yards.

  "That's true as gospel," said the baker. "Do 'ee think I med go back tomy dough, neighbours?"

  They came to a halt. It was the interval during which Eves andTempleton were overhauling and restocking the machine.

  "'Tis a mercy for Trenchard," added the smith.

  "A merciful Providence," murmured Noakes, the lines of anxietydisappearing from his face. "Run up along and tell neighbour Trenchardhow we all do heartily rejoice, Josiah."

  The boy started, but the moment after he had turned the first corner hecame rushing back with his eyes like saucers.

  "Feyther," he yelled, "fire bain't out. 'Tis blazing worse, and ricksbe ramping down along like giant Goliath!"

  "'Tis a true word, save us all!" cried the baker. "What in thename----"

  "Now, sonnies, haul away," cried the smith. "Ricks hev staddles but nolegs, as fur as I do know. 'Tis the wind blowing the smoke down along.Now, all together."

  The windings of the road, and the hedges on each side, prevented themfrom getting a clear view of this singular phenomenon. All that theywere aware of was a dense cloud of black smoke approaching them veryrapidly. They had just restarted the manual engine when, round the bendjust ahead, the tricycle shot into view with a huge trail of smokebehind it.

  "Sakes alive!" gasped the smith.

  The children yelled, and fled down the road. The men, after an instant'sdismayed irresolution, scattered up the banks into the hedges, leavingthe engine standing half across the road. Noakes, on whose face a darkflush had gathered as he recognised Eves, backed into a hazel andflourished his fists.

  Templeton, who was steering, tried to turn the machine into the hedgebefore it reached the manual. But he was a shade too late; the offwheel fouled the engine; the tricycle spun round; its riders were flunginto the hedge, and the trays, parting company with the tank as itoverturned, were distributed in several directions, bestowing a goodportion of their noisome contents impartially among the members of thefire brigade.

  "ITS RIDERS WERE FLUNG INTO THE HEDGE."]

  The inventors picked themselves up, rubbed their elbows, and approachedthe discomfited villagers, who, coughing and spluttering, were nowdescending into the road. Templeton looked serious; Eves wore a broadgrin.

  "Really, I'm extremely sorry," began the former.

  "Sorry be jowned!" shouted the baker. "Sorry won't clean my hands, andmy dough a-spoiling."

  "'Tis rank pison!" cried the butcher.

  "Assault and battery and attempted murder," shrieked Noakes, furiously."Wi' my own firelighters!"

  "Let us discuss it calmly," said Templeton. "No one can regret more thanI the--the inconvenience to which you have been put, quite withoutintention, I assure you----"

  "But the fact is," Eves interposed, pointing to the manual, "you were onthe wrong side of the road. Constable, I appeal to you."

  The constable, who had left his fire helmet in the hedge, scratched hishead, the villagers looking at him expectantly.

  "Well, neighbours all," he said, slowly, "the law's what it is, and I'mnot the man, being sworn in my office of constable--'t ud be hightreason or worse to gainsay it. And I don't care who the man is, thatthere manual be on the right when the law says it oughter be on theleft, and no true man can deny it."

  "That's for horses and carts, for horses and carts," fumed Noakes.

  "As a man I respect you, neighbour Noakes," said the constable,solemnly, "but as a officer of the law I say you don't know nothingabout it. The manual's a vehicle; well, then, the law's no respecter ofpersons, and what be law for a horse and cart be law for a manual; aysure, for a baby's pram, if so be a pram was in custody."

  "That's all very well," said the baker, "but what's the law say aboutfoul smoke? Tell us that, constable."

  "Foul smoke be from factory chimneys; t'other smoke bain't foul."

  "Of course not," said Eves. "You've got the law at your finger-ends,constable. The penalty for being on the wrong side is a heavy fine,isn't it?"

  "That depends on whether 'tis Squire Banks or Sir Timothy on the bench,sir."

  "Well, my friend won't prosecute, I'm sure. And when I tell you he wastrying a new invention for beating the Germans, you'll be sorry you'veruined it through being on the wrong side of the road."

  "Wish we'd knowed that afore, sir," said the smith. "The truth on't is,we thought 'twas Farmer Trenchard's ricks afire."

  "And like true Britons you rushed to help your neighbour. Splendid!I'll tell Mr. Trenchard how promptly the brigade turned out; he's verylucky in having such good friends."

  "Speaking for us all, sir----" began the smith.

  "Not for me," Noakes interrupted, savagely.

  "Hear what the man hev got to say, neighbour Noakes," said the baker."Mebbe I won't agree with him myself, but I'm not the man to say soafore he's hawked it out."

  "Speaking for us all," the smith went on, "I'm certain sure there's nota man of us but hopes the gen'lman's invention bain't ruined out andout. Anything as will beat the Germans hev our hearty good wishes, eh,souls?"

  "Hear, hear!" cried the butcher.

  "There, neighbour Noakes, you was too primitive," said the baker,reprovingly. "'Tis a good cause we suffer in, and I'm not the man tocomplain. And speaking for us all, I say three cheers for the younggen'lman."

  The cheers were given, Noakes dissenting. Eves shook hands with them allround, Noakes excepted. Then he helped them to right the manual, andgave them a genial good-bye as they trundled it off.

  "We've had a ripping day, Bob," he said, mopping his brow. "The smokewas splendid--a first-rate stink. Old Noakes's face was a picture."

  He laughed heartily.

  "I'm afraid the tricycle is crocked for ever," said Templeton with agloomy look, "and I don't approve----"

  "Oh, pax! You can pay Trenchard for the old thing out of your tenner;and you're jolly ungrateful. If I hadn't chipped in they wouldn't havecheered you. Let's pick up the ruins and get 'em back somehow. Buckup!"

  Mr. Trenchard received Templeton's apologies for the break-up of thetricycle very good-naturedly. He refused his offer to buy it or have itrepaired.

  "'Tis come to a good end, if so be your invention is a success," hesaid.

  Templeton drew out a specification of his smoke machine and sent it tothe Ministry of Munitions. In about a fortnight he received a formalletter of acknowledgment. But by that time he had almost forgotten thesmoke machine, other ideas having absorbed his attention and activities.

  *TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED*